Just Give Me One Moment

Well I went for a quick morning sesh at C.O.P. this morning and skied for the last time this year. It was totally worth it. I finally experienced it, the one moment of heart-stopping clarity where all I could do was savor the sensation and grin like a fool. It happened in the halfpipe boosting up the right wall, when I was carving up the wall I could feel my whole body anticipating it, and when I boosted out of the pipe, it just happened. Unfortunately, when I landed I landed in a little too deep and couldn't carry my momentum to the next hit. Oh well, it was so worth it, it's moment's like this that makes life seem like everything is totally worth it. Haha, I'm still grinning like a fool. Well anyways, I only did 2 park runs, the rest were all in the halfpipe. I'm learning to salvage my botched landings now, I don't fall too much, I just careen madly for a bit :P

Went for lunch with some family friends, nice people, but I really have nothing to say to them, nothing to relate to them with or anything, meh. Well anyways, I was driving on Deerfoot Trail with my rents and it was so fricken stressful, I was perfectly calm and fine, however they're all freaking out and shouting at each other and me and trying to backseat drive, which made me terrified, ugh, external pressures suck, I need to learn to meditate or something.

Happy New Years Eve to everybody!

Peace

Two Halves of the Same World

I hope everyone is having a wonderful winter break. Two halves of the same world, thats what I feel like I'm living. Everything is beautiful, lots of skiing, lots of eating, talking to people that matter to me, on the other hand, every time I am reminded of the school situation, I feel this deep indescribable frustration and disappointment towards school, and anything to do with it and especially people (I don't mean to offend anyone but this is just what I'm feeling right now). I am so ready to move on because I know everything at this point is beyond repair, I can recognize I fucked up, made the effort to see what was salvageable, but now I need to write on a clean slate and focus on the things that make me happy.

Speaking of things that make me happy, skiing, I am skiing as much, today while I was driving and my mom was sitting next to me, she brought up the fact that she thinks I like skiing for all the wrong reasons, supposedly I like skiing for the image and not actually skiing, she pretty much called me a poser. Well...this hurt beyond belief, but after skiing, I somehow was able to forgive her. I think its enough for me to know that I ski for me and I ski for the joy it brings me, whether it may be hurtling down the hill as fast as I can switch or flailing through the air and falling on my bruised swollen knee (yes it's still a little swollen and ugly ugly colored). And I love sharing my joy and love of skiing with my students, even though sometimes it's incredibly difficult, but it tugs on my heartstrings to see them progress. Skiing is the one refuge I can rely on right now, it's just me and the snow, my skis and flying through the air.

Gawd...when will the ache stop....just close your eyes

Winter Break...oh so lovely

As much pain as I am in right now, I am incredibly happy. Skied three days in a row (Thursday, Friday, Saturday). Saturday was amazing, had a lot of fun with the Shads, SG showed up halfway through the day and we seshed the park and pipe. Guy has some serious balls, he is progressing way faster than I am :P But skiing with somebody who is like that is great cuz it pushes me harder. So, I totally killed my knee doing the same jump that I overshot on Friday, faceplanted in the halfpipe and flew over the top of the wallride. I can't really work my right arm and I'm walking really funny, but I am really really happy. Good vibes for the winter break. I still need to seek redemption in the pipe after my faceplant. SG kneed himself in the ribs, thinks he bruised or broke his ribs, hopes he's okay. Ne ways, got my secret santa gift from NR, waiting till X-mas to open it. Went to a family party last night, every year same deal, good fun though :) Well anyhoo, we are putting up the christmas tree right now and I have to go Christmas shopping again, peace.

2 Days!

Indeed, only two more days until school is out for winter break, time to ski, be happy, eat lots of food and get fat :) ...oh and maybe the historical investigation, extended essay and the two world lit papers as well...hmm. I don't know whether to be stoked for the weekend or not, stoked because skiing, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, not so stoked because I have to hand in my historical investigation draft. Greaaat. Well, imma stop procrastinating and go work. Peace.

Last Mad Dash for the Finish Line

What seems like 5 more days until the finish line. Yeh, I don't even know why I should regard it as the finish line because it's more like a delay in the apocalypse, it's not that wonderful because the end is inevitable.

Yesterday was homework day, yet again my father was supposed to take the family to see the Golden Compass but yet again it got put off. Eh, maybe next weekend. Wait no, Saturday a whole bunch of people are going to C.O.P and I might be renting a board to mess around on and put those board boots to good use, in the evening...ugh yet another stupid family friend party. I hate those, they speak in Chinese, talk about/ compare their kids (no matter how old they are) and eat excessively (and sometimes drink excessively), I hope I don't get forced to go.

Anyways, on a lighter note, I finished all of my Christmas shopping today for all my school buddies. I hope I remembered everyone, and everyone that I remembered likes their gifts. It wasn't that bad, I went shopping at South Centre and Chinook Centre with my mother. Got back home at around 6pm, wrapped all the gifts, yay good to go. Well, I'm off to do more homework, that likely will not go over very well but meh, I hope Fortin doesn't kill me tomorrow.

Go For It

H'okay, I love Peanuts! No, anyhoo what this post is about. Skiing mostly. Pushing boundaries mostly. Always grow, grow all ways :P

Skiing was amazing tonight. I managed to get 30 minutes of freeskiing after instructor clinics. I'm so happy because I'm finally making good progress in the park, even though I'm skiing alone most of the time, crank up the beats and just go for it! I'm trying a lot of things that last year I normally would have pussied out of doing but now I'm finally going for it. C.O.P has finally set up some of their main park, the upper park is absolutely dope! Unfortunately I only got one run in there today. I suppose part of my mentality when I ski is, 'if I cheat myself out of trying this, how many more times will I let myself get cheated?', and 'even if I fall, I know I will get back up, brush myself off and have to try again, may as well get it the first time'. Stepping out of my comfort zone and not doing stuff I already know has been the hardest part in learning new things, I'm glad I can push myself right now. Anyways, I hope this progression will continue. As for other aspects of life, eh, not so much. What is there to lose? Everything, and nothing.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Today everyone got their grad photo proofs. Some people were very happy, some people not at all. I think it's so true that 'you are your worst critic'. I know that it is true for myself. People can pick out a million things in their own photos that other people wouldn't notice unless told, just goes to show how hard we are on ourselves. What I think about my photos? Meh. S'all I can say.

Anyhoo, 3rd Grad Committee meeting today, decided on a theme. "On this day we become legendary" from Kanye West's song, "Good Morning". I like it because it is so empowering and it suggests a great sense of surety. Stoked for grad.

After all this, grad pictures, grad committee, it still hasn't really hit me that yes, I'm graduation from high school this year. It still hasn't even hit me that Christmas is in 13 days, gotta start Christmas shopping. Eh, come what may :P

Organized confusion

Yay went to Wing Kei Care Centre to volunteer for the senior's annual Christmas Party. I would describe it as organized chaos, so many crazy shouting Asian people. It was good though, glad to make seniors smile, it usually seems so dull around there. Took a group of Violin players to each floor, the pianist that went with them was super chill. He's been playing piano for 2 years and he clearly pwns me.

Saw my grandfather for a first time in a little while, I think he's losing it pretty quickly, doesn't remember me at all and mistook my mother for one of my aunts. Anyhoo, gotta do some hw. Think I'm seeing The Golden Compass with the family tonight. I loved the book, hope the movie is just as good. Anti-religious novel, atheist author, it's bound to be good.

T-Minus 3 Hours

GAH. Waiting for things to explode and shit to hit the fan....


UPDATE: Shit didn't hit the fan as hard as I expected it to, it was just some mild splatter. I feel relieved it's finally over... now for the other stuff.

I iz broke.

Yes, I iz broke. Everything is tearing me apart, in different directions, chunks of my heart out, all that good wholesome stuff. I feel like I'm fending off the big dark impending doom with a toothpick. FAWK.

On the other hand, I'm so grateful for the simple pleasures in life, such as being able to ski, be able to speak, hear, see. I had another instructor clinic tonight at C.O.P. We worked from the very basics up, CSIA progression. It brought me to realize just how hard something can be that I take for granted, for example parallel skiing, snowplows are hella uncomfortable. I'm happy that I can make a difference and take the time to slow down and share my passion of skiing with my disabled students. Oh and thank you for driving me there and back MT, you and your pro driving skills, and I'm quite pleased I passed the test ;)

I need to pass History and Literature Level 3 tomorrow, here we come studying.

Until later.

Je t'aime et tu me manques beaucoup

Deep breath...and GO!

H'okay, I ran for President of the Grad Committee today. You would think that after doing 9 years of speech and drama, public speaking would come to one easily. Hell no.

It's actually to a point quite frustrating, knees shaking, body shivering, the whole deal. At least I wrote out the speech. Well anyhoo, I got VP, good enough, props to PK for getting Presidency, kid has some mad steeze public speaking, looks so comfortable there. Well tomorrow is a busy day, studying and homework awaits. Oh and skiing :D

Eyes Closed

Sometimes, it's best to just close your eyes and reminisce. Forget about the present and the future.

I Wouldn't Touch You With a Ten Foot Pole

Life is good, skiing is good...then BAM. It hits me, do you really want me out of your life that badly? If you do, just let me know so I can stop hoping and agonizing myself.

On a lighter note, MT drove us to ski yesterday, so proud, first time for her driving a passenger (other than family). Today, ski clinics were dope, sitski was lots of fun, MT tethered on a snowboard, props to her, afterwards ski clinics on our free runs she boarded switch, she also manned up and did some jumps, so proud of her. I practiced some switch skiing, finally I can fluently turn in both directions, very happy, now I need to coordinate my looking over shoulders. Well I have to get up early tomorrow for more instructor clinics so ciao for now.

Ski Fast and Take Chances

Uninhibited, free at last. Feels so good!

Grateful

It's time to move on. I was sent an email from my father that absolutely broke my heart, it included the picture depicted above that won the Pulitzer Prize in 1994 during the Sudan famine. This child was crawling towards a UN food camp that was located a kilometer away, the vulture was waiting for the child to die so it could eat the child. If not be grateful for everything that I have, but even the fact that I am alive and cared for. The following excerpt from William Wordsworth's poem 'Tintern Abbey'.

"While here I stand, not only with the sense
Of present pleasure, but with pleasing thoughts
That in this moment there is life and food
For future years."

When I think about the two extremes, extreme wealth and extreme poverty, it further reinforces the need for balance, not only in the world, but in our lives, and everything we do.

A picture is definitely worth a thousand words.

Anyways, I saw a remake of the play Oliver Twist, once again delving into the topic of poverty and harsh living. It was an excellent remake. However, the ending I found disturbing because I found it so idealized, Oliver finds his long lost father and lives happily ever after. Honestly, what about the people that were living terrible lives that Oliver came across in his travels? Only Oliver gets the happy ending, though many others deserve it. I suppose that's real life for you, so many people are so deserving but don't get what they truly deserve. I think that this play was supposed to give hope that even if life keeps on smacking you down, if you keep on hoping, keep on getting up, you will eventually find something wonderful.

Life is a Circus

Life is a circus and I feel like a juggler. If maybe I can juggle well enough, the crowd will stop the booing and hissing. I could stop and just put it all down and walk away but no, I'm mesmerized by the colorful array of objects whizzing by my head as I toss them about. Part of the fun is seeing how many things I can juggle before I fumble, miss the pass and make it all fall down to the ground. Then, all there is left to do is pick it all back up again and resume the frenzy.

The still, sad music of humanity

It’s been creeping up on me for a while now, but I want my best friend back really badly. I miss the talking, I miss just sitting there together, feeling content, knowing at that moment, everything is alright, even though it might not be as soon as we get up. For having thought gained something I have lost something very dear to me, perhaps even more close to my heart than what I have gained. I know I cannot have the world and cannot have everything that I want, but I cannot help but to reach out and try to grasp the things that have already been lost. Some days, I cannot help but to glance over and wonder just what he is thinking. The way things have been going lately, it seems as though there is an irreparable gap between us. I know it’s too late to apologize and it probably won’t mean much to you but I’m so sorry for hurting you. I know at this point I cannot ask for forgiveness because it is one of the biggest things you can ask of someone and I don’t deserve it from you. I know that forgiving somebody that has hurt you is as hard as hell, but it’s better than the constant disappointment, frustration and anger.

Skiing!!!!

Wow, yet again I have failed to post blog entries regularly. Anyhoo, I went skiing yesterday on opening day at COP, I must say, it felt pretty good to be on skis again. First run, I skied to Fast Like a Nascar by Keak da Sneak, great pump up song. Finally I felt that freedom and release that I have been longing to feel. After I got comfortable in the first couple of runs I decided to hit up the mini park that they set up, lots of people there. I don't ride well when I feel pressured, and soon after I felt pressured to perform well, do tricks and not fall. Ugh I hate that pressure, especially when I ride alone. So mad that Brett and everyone moved to UBC and other places for university, now I have nobody to ride with. O well, next weekend I get to ride with MT all weekend for instructor clinics, it should be fairly interesting. Anyhoo, I manned up enough to hit the wallride, I kept on leaning too far forwards and not with enough speed, gotta work on that, but damn, the mental strength it takes to charge at a wallride with speed and not slow down or pussy out is hard! I need to practice riding switch, fell over a couple of times riding switch, I can't seem to do left turns as well as right turns. Gooood day (besides the fact that I woke up late, didn't go to history class and had a really shitty morning).

Other stuffs... Today was the last History and Literature class, yay no more waking up early for class on Saturdays. Finally the massage therapist came back from vacations and was able to fix me :) ...oh and I got new glasses, yes new glasses because I couldn't see properly with my old ones.

P.S. Met a pretty sweet little snowboarder kid who has fetal alcohol syndrome and rode with him for a bit, kid has such a positive outlook, props to him!

Ka-BOOM

Yes, Ka-BOOM, everything just spontaneously combusts sometimes. Need to get it together and move on. Shooting yourself in the foot is no fun, so stop doing it. GAWD. Yay for toxic gases and radioactive waste!

Snow ... it makes everything good again.

It is definitely true, snow does make everything good again. As soon as it starts snowing, I can stop worrying about everyday things, I have something I can retreat into comfortably. Skiing is what I love, it's what I do. When I ski, I can stop missing people, worrying, panicking ...it's relief. I can't wait to feel that kind of relief and start skiing again, so long as circumstance permits. Dammit if it would only snow some more.

This week has gone by pretty quickly, it's almost as though I spend the whole week waiting for the weekend so I can catch up on missed work, relax a little. But it never seems to work out that way, they just turn out to be totally disappointing. Maybe I should lower my standards. It has just hit me how much I have on my plate, clubs, volunteering, lessons etc. We'll see what happens with this. People say, "Everything will be okay", we'll see exactly how true that is. Meh I'm just sick of people saying everything will be okay when it isn't.

So Saturday I went to the U of C open house. It was interesting. I have decided to apply for Health Sciences and Engineering, because U of C only asks for two choices, U of A they ask for 3 I think. Man, applying for universities and scholarships, it only seems like yesterday when I was worrying about my first day of junior high. Life moves pretty quickly, if only I could slow down to pick up a handful of snow or something.

So I am determined to make the most of this last year of high school. Make time to do the things I want. Not mess up too badly. Not make too many people hate me. Now all I have to do is pull my act together and do it. Stop procrastinating jeez. Ski you later.

Peace,
Bernie

Inspiration

Wow, first entry, first blog. For no apparent reason at all besides the driving force of overwhelming guilt, I have decided to start a blog. It is a strange thing to be inspired by guilt, I won't even try to justify it. I don't really know where I am going with this blog, but hey, I'm willing to give it a shot.

So, lets see stuff about me... I am very sore right now from excess of physical activity. I definitely need to start running again, get in shape. Ah, I'm doing a very good job of procrastinating right now, really should be doing some work that should have been done a while ago. It seems as though every weekend I start off ambitious and then I don't end up achieving anything of consequence. I suppose I should be grateful for the mere fact that I am still alive is an accomplishment at this point in time. Just keep on living life, one day at a time, one moment at a time. Alright, I hear the evil calling of some work that needs to be done so I better get going.

Until later,
Bernie