YARRRR

I have decided that when I am cranky, I am going to be a pirate.

Anyways, I am so utterly bored right now, I have been at the university for 7 and a 1/2 hours already. I'm stuck here for another 3 and a 1/2 until my Math final. My dad wouldn't let me go home in between because he said the roads are so shitty I would probably have trouble getting back to the university. Honestly though, 13 hours at the university is a little excessive. Ohhhh well. May as well entertain myself by studying for my final.

So the ski trip to Lake Louise that was supposed to happen tomorrow is being called off because a) AS decided to cut off a bit of his finger and get stitches and b) people are afraid of the cold (come on people if you're really that afraid of the cold, pick a more sensible sport). I will end up skiing at C.O.P. tomorrow I guess, alone, seshing the park, yet again. Goal: 5s nailed by the end of this season. RM thinks I can do it so I know I can :D It would also be nice to get some more rail skills and spin in the pipe. Eh whatever.

So, after my last final tonight I am free until January 12th O_O woot. anyways, now bored and hungry, going to go grab a bite to eat.

It's freezing

Holy bjeebs it's freezing out. All the snow is absolutely gorgeous. Snow angels, fucking love them, I wish I could be a snow angel, so sparkly and everyone likes them :P whatever...

It's been a while since I last posted. I had a good chat with DW today about RM and I, it's so hard sometimes, but I'm really hoping it's going to work out. Much love <3

School, facking hell, one paper, two more exams and I can hit the pause button, go shred with some friends, get inked. YES I'm getting a tattoo, finally, after about 3 years, finally coming into fruition, I have an appointment for Thursday. I'm standing up for myself! This should be interesting. Funny thing is, last thing I'm worried about is the pain, but that's the first thing that anyone asks me about, the pain, won't it hurt? Eh even if it does, I'm sure it's well worth it.

Looking forward to the holidays, spending time with the people I love and remembering the worth of life. YES!

First Turns!

JEA!!! I'm so stoked! Went skiing for the first time this season with RM at Lake Louise on Wednesday. You have no idea how much of a shit eating grin I had the whole two hours. It was snowing out in the mountains which was amazing. Yep, I drove (yes I finally ran off and got my driving test done and passed) 3 hrs in total to ski for 2 hours, but what can I say, it was definitely worth it :) The three days with RM were absolutely mint as well, definitely had a blast but I already miss him :(

I got my COP season's pass finally, pretty stoked on that, except the picture on it sucked, yet again. School is good, finally done midterms, charging headfirst into finals soon, it should be interesting. Aight gotta go dive into some homework, peace.

SNOWWWWW!!!!!

well...more like sleet, but I am stoked! The ski season can't come fast enough. I think this has been the most unbearable offseason I've had so far.

Gotta bust through this writer's block deal

Well it's seven fucking thirty in the morning, I'm running on adrenaline and sitting in the Health Sciences Centre at the Foothills hospital wondering if the powers that be are going to strike me down today, or give me the nod of approval. If you are wondering if why I am in a semi frightful state right now, it's because I have a presentation to give at 9am or so, the biomedical perspective on obesity, just facking lovely! I'm not going to bitch about my group or the work we did because it's probably a little too late to do so. Also I can't because I'm stuck with them for another 3 presentations. I am supposed to meet with my group at 8am to go over our presentation and do last minute preparations, but yay for Calgary transit, oh so reliable, decides to get me here half an hour early.

Ah so it seems as though I have fallen off the map or something of late. Which is partially true, university is nothing at all what I expected, which is not saying much because I don't think I really came into this whole fiasco with any preconceived ideas about what I was about to experience, good and bad at the same time. School isn't killing me, waiting for the snow is though, fall has become the unbearable season standing like a big ugly troll between me and skiing. Not to long ago I got called up to COP to register for another year of teaching, I can't believe this will be my 6th year teaching, where has the time gone? I know I will definitely miss MT driving us up to the hill on Thursdays and Fridays. DD has moved back to Holland for medical school, congrats to her, I know how much she hates Canada.

Sooo, since I last posted, shit happened that probably shouldn't have, feelings got hurt, people got bitter (or more bitter), upset and angry. Hey, it's life. What can I say. I'm not too into dragging out and reliving the past because it's going to hold me back from moving forwards to achieve things that I want to achieve and ultimately be happy. Some say that forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give someone, but I find it hard to give this gift, even though I've received it in the greatest sense of the word, thanks EM. I hate when shit is taken for granted because it makes everyone look like a douche, the person who is putting them self out there, and the person who is being ignorant. Ohhhh happiness that elusive emotion. Speaking of happiness, I had probably the two happiest days of my life so far on Friday and Saturday, I can't remember why, but I just remember being oh so happy. Then it crashed, it all crashed to hell on Sunday and now it's starting to level out again.

Let's seeee, ah, RM is coming to visit for a few days during my reading days in November, I'm super stoked about that because things are going really well between us, not saying that there weren't any giant speedbumps. It's crazy to think it's been a year and some. Still no rush to define whatever we're doing though, and that's not really concerning because...I'M HAPPY! yeeeeee

Haha anyhoo. I'm finding that I like university a lot more than high school, no drama, people are chill because they have their shit together (well for the most part). The environment is also a lot better for me, I can choose who i want to be around so I can stay calm, happy and unstressed. As terrible as this is going to sound but IB helped, I think once you've been hit over the head with a brick that hard (no I'm not talking about that shitty ass history text book), everything seems less daunting, because you can say "It's been shittier" and move on and just get it done. I'm not gonna lie though, there are people that I do miss from high school, you know who you are ;)

Aight well it's 7:55am, gotta peace to go find my group. Wish me luck. And much love to everyone, because there just ain't enough in this world <3

Hmm...interesting

Mustering up something to say is proving to be more difficult than I had initially anticipated...

Brick Wall

Not dead, yet anyways. Putting up a bit of a brick wall until I figure things out a bit :)

One More for the Road

I figured I might post once more before I leave for Vancouver/Alaska likely on Saturday or Sunday. It's been a while since I last posted so I'll go in chronological order from the last time I posted.

RM came to visit me; I always love it when he comes to visit, just so nice to be around him, savor every moment. All I can say is, I'm so grateful to have him in my life, and I can't ask for anything more because I've never connected so well both emotionally and physically with a guy. As cheesy as it sounds, when two people can’t get enough of each other, they make whatever effort is necessary. However, every time we say bye until next time, it gets harder and harder, like tears hard. At which point he does the adorable kiss my forehead and hug me thing, which usually makes me cry more. It’s not always easy, the goodnights and “I miss yous”, but it’s so worth it. Looking back on everything that has happened between us over the last year never fails to bring a shit eating grin to my face. As difficult and frustrating as it is sometimes being so far apart, I'm not going to push anything, one step at a time, no rush :)

On the other hand I had to totally cut off TK because he dove headfirst into something he knew nothing about and asked me to be his gf, I shafted him, still managed to call me and text me several times a day. So I ended up snapping like a fucking twig and laying it out to him and told him not to contact me at all, and that if I wanted to contact him I would, which I probably won't for a long time. I’m not very happy with TK for this whole thing, which is causing me to avoid all Shad reunions.

Went to a party with DP on Saturday, it was fun. Very interesting. Met some chill people. One thing I'll never understand is cheating on your significant other. There was a guy there that was involved with this girl who has a bf in Vancouver, nobody deserves to be cheated on, emotionally, it’s not cool at all.

Being forced to take drivers ed for insurance cut, very very dry, aced the classroom portion test. Scheduling in car sessions with the instructor tomorrow, apparently he is foreign and is quite difficult to understand. This worries me, communication is important. Thanks mom for giving me split second notice that my father needed to be picked up and swerving onto the Memorial Dr exit off of Deerfoot, thanks :) I love heart attacks. I hate not being able to drive myself around, but I'm going to be patient, I'll take my drivers test when I get back from Vancouver/Alaska.

I still haven’t started packing…wow I’m good at procrastinating. Vancouver, I'm going to try to meet up with some old friends and chill with my family. Hopefully I'll get to see my childhood friend KL, I definitely remember us making Christmas parties interesting. There will be lots of interaction with my extended family, which usually can range from being mildly pleasant to excruciatingly painful. I'm a little bit worried about the whole vacation because I know that I can stand about 48 hours with my family before people start to rub each other the wrong way and shit starts to get unpleasant. Oh well, la familia, got to love them.

Alaska cruise, should be interesting, I have never been on a cruise before. One thing that will suck is that the legal drinking age is 21, damn eh. Alaska is going to be cold, and I'm not exactly a fan of somewhat extreme temperatures unless I am skiing in it. Interior Alaska would be amazing, skiing amazing powder...damn. We will be stopping at some ports, maybe going whale watching or for a helicopter ride. I'm definitely trying to keep an open mind towards spending 19 days with my family with no escape. We will see how it goes.

When I get back from Vancouver/Alaska, I'm hoping to have a bit of a bash because a whole bunch of people are going away for University. It would be nice to see everyone before they go off. Timing might suck though because people are leaving at different times. I'm hoping maybe the 24th will work.

On another note, I'm finding it very difficult to sleep lately, I haven't been able to sleep until about 4-5am everyday and then I will get up at 11am and be incredibly confused. I hope I can fix this before I leave for vacations. Ah I got my formal acceptance, good stuff. I still have to figure out for sure if I should drop my first year English course because I have transfer credits for it at this point in time, because I don't want to drop it, and then find out I wasn't supposed to. I have to remember when I'm in Vancouver to register for U of C 101, pay tuition and buy textbooks over the internet, should be good and confusing :) Summer is really doing a number towards my attitude regarding life, I don’t know if it’s good or bad, I guess we’ll have to see what happens. Not being able to ski right now is proving to be quite painful, especially not being able to find that form of release that was so readily available previously.

It might be a while until I post next so I leave you with an amazing song recommended to me by my awesome dj friend :)

Feather (Feat. Cise Starr & Akin From Cyne)

Light as a feather when I'm floating through
reading through the daily news
measuring the hurt within the golden rule
centimeters in ether I'm heating the speaker
Motivational teacher with words that burn people

Seeing the headlines lined with discord and
see the genocide or the planet in uproar
Never good
The rules of paradise are never nice
The best laid plans of mice and men are never right
I'm just a vagabond with flowers for Algernon
The average joe who knows what the fuck is going on
Its the hope of my thoughts that I travel upon
Fly like an arrow of god until I'm gone

So


Drifting away like a feather in air
letting words take me away from the hurt of this mess
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that is greater

So I'm drifting away like a feather in air
letting my soul take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that's greater



Taking chances, we're tap dancing with wolves
in an ice arena out there deep in the woods
of Arizona. And some be -ah
Lifes ironic ain't it trying to be Dalí when I rice in real life
I paint it vivid, habitat, crazy insane
Watching propaganda 6 o'clock news and
insane coaches clash, war, black folk and white trash
then rebel in the sniper's base that might crash
Dash to millennium and million miles of running
at the speed of now but I don't return gunning
Rambo style gung ho child gunning
ammo, *Blaow*, two times loud stunning
Stunning - When it hit ya, lift ya right off the earth
like, hey yo, take ya back right to birth - and
Niggas wonder why. They might wonder why this shit might happen, but it does.

They go

Drifting away like a feather in air
letting words take me away from the hurt of this mess
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that is greater

So I'm drifting away like a feather in air
letting my soul take me away from the hurt and dispair
So I'm keeping the vertical forever elevator
Riding the escalator to the something that's greater

Treat you better than me cause that's the heavenly key
to unlock the inner strength where my essence will be.
It's the knowledge of self understanding of the things around me that becomes the wisdom that I need.
Living this life to the best of my ability
Channeling energy to my thoughts until you see my dream.
Remember me because my pros remain gold
I got the gift to gab like this pimps in cangols(???)
It never ends, I keep it rolling it like a cypher.
The first cave man bringing fire.
Innovating it higher
to blast mistakes I raise the stakes
It's double or nothing in this vacuum space
I will survive the avant of time, the cryer, the fucker, who the hide
I'm alive for pride and
I drove the Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry
Singing this will be the day that I die.

Pisses...

It's been a long time since I have last posted. Let's start with...the most painful stuff, IB marks. I got what I wanted, my IB diploma and I got a high enough score to get credit for first year english. Waiting for Diploma marks still, that's starting to mess with my mind a little bit, I definitely hate anticipating this kind of thing. Went to Tantra with DP and TK, fun stuff. Apparently highballs and shots do nothing to me at all. Pretty chill, fun, interesting music, good dancing. Edmonton trip with my mom, 3 aunts, grandmother, cousin and lil bro. Wow how much fun are menopausal women eh? West Ed mall was pretty boring because I'm not too much of a shopper, my mom and aunts were inside Zara for over 4 hours, redic, absolutely redic. I got a sick hoodie and a swimsuit tho, so whatever. Because mom hates driving in unfamiliar cities, I ended up driving to Edmonton the whole time we were there and NY drove the other car. Ahh highway tag. We also went go karting which was pretty intense, lil bro drove onto the grass twice, who claims to have better handle than I do :P Mom and my other aunt, all the while was going hella slow and freaked out whenever somebody passed them, I must admit that it was pretty funny. La familia, gotta love them.

On a more messed up note, things are hella confusing with RM and TK and everything. Talked it out with SA, got some sick advice. I hope things are going to work out.

JEA!!! FUCKING JEA!!!

Just got back from my Whistler trip yesterday afternoon. Sooo epic, I had so much fun! It's absolutely amazing there and the people are so nice! The beginning was a little sketch getting from Vancouver airport to Whistler, but we ended up driving Kalle Olson, a snowboarder from Sweden to Whistler as well. Met a whole bunch of cool people from COC and some pros which was super neat. Spent some quality time with RM. I miss him already. Man, the best 4 days ever! So happy :)

Skiing in Whistler is pretty interesting. 2 chairlifts, a bus ride and then another chairlift to Horstman's glacier. Skied the public lane, pretty small but it was nice to be back on skis. The jump line is pretty small, not a whole lot of time between each jump, which was a lil difficult for me to handle. To be honest I was pretty apprehensive about skiing on Horstman's just because of the crazy talent pool there. The weather on the glacier is absolutely amazing. Rode up to the glacier and down the glacier with RM and RM's friend TZ, such a funny guy. I wish I could have spent more time skiing there so I could have pushed some mad progression.

It's been a while...

Hmm it's been quite a while since my last blog post. Well so much for the finish line post about being done IB. Now I'm being faced with the insane preparations for my RCM Gr 10 practical exam, Social Diploma and Chemistry Diploma. Eh, it's not gonna kill me. I've finally picked my ass up and am motivated once again to charge through this last bit of high school. Part of this might be because...I'm going to Whistler! Yeyuh!!!!! I am so unbelievably stoked for this! Good skiing, good company, what more can one ask for? My rents aren't happy about it but they're not going to stop me. This was a good opportunity to prove to myself that I can actually talk and reason with my rents with a level head, wow what a revelation :P

So much for me has changed for me in the last month, I've definitely learned to enjoy the merits of solitude. Being at school totally throws me off, so many people. Speaking of people, more specifically dealing with the more snooty variety of people...hostessing/bar tending at SM, was crazy. Crazy fun and crazy boring, it pretty much depended on who I worked with. Surprisingly there are some people out there who are even more obsessive compulsive than I am which is pretty damn hard to believe. Oh well.

Let's see if I can recall the weekend...
Ah let's see, Saturday worked, got pwned by Cafe Koi, went to a function with my family, pretty mellow. Sunday, worked. Oh! My very last ever performance for JO's studio, and guess what, I had a massive mind blank on stage... suckage! Oh well, we got JO a bouquet of flowers. I got a blurb about me published in the program as I will be leaving her studio after my gr 10 practical, to think it's been over 10 years...wow, finally something else I have stuck with and completed (assuming that I pass my exam, which is apparently doubtful right now :P but hey, I'll make it work).

Anyways, back to pushing to finish my English assignment :P

Dope Song

Sunday Jen [live] lyrics

Monday morn’, has taken this life away from me.
I find myself in the same place again.
Staring at the same four walls, scene makes my eyeballs crawl.
No man was made to live the life I’m in.
But I won’t spend time on your giant clock.
My imagination just won’t stop.
I just can’t let these feelings go.
I guess I should just ask you sooooo.
Sunday Jen, won’t you let me come see you tomorrow.
Though I know, my time is six days away.
Sunday Jen, oh this I know, the future can’t be borrowed.
But there’s no one else, that makes me feel this way.
No sense forcing it. You just got to let it flow.
I can’t think to say, “I let it go.”
After all this time, after all that we’ve been through.
Just one less car on down the avenue
Abstract thoughts, on a page
Were never really my forte
Too much logic and savoir faire
For two souls, in parallel

Here is the song

DONE!

Wow, it's hard to believe, I am finally finished the three year marathon of IB. I am sure there are even harder marathons to run in the future, but for now, I'm going to relish in the fact that I am done with the IB programme.

Firstly, now that IB exams are over and done with, I am having trouble coping with full days of school again, it feels a little weird. Secondly, it feels as though I have to learn how to live life again, hang out with people, hahah. Thirdly, now that I'm done I just want to fall over and go take a long ass nap.

So on the skiing front, I had possibly the last day of my season on Sunday at Sunshine. Slushy as hell, lots of bailing, lots of soreness but still good. I'm definitely going to need a summer sport to carry me through till it snows again, or a visit to Whistler, which several people are trying to convince me to undertake at the moment.

Okay, I'm going to add to this post later but I have to go pick up some clearcoating stuff for the skis I killed. peace

~~~ edit

Back from Canadian Tire, garrrhg, the people there are so clueless, they gave me the wrong type of clearcoating stuff. I should have clued in when I approached the gathering of idle young male Canadian Tire employees. Here is how the conversation went.

Me: Hi....
Guy: Oh hi there, how are you?
Me: Good thanks, how are you?
Guy: Good, and how are you?
Me: ummmm... anyways...

....jeebus. And then the other employees proceeded to laugh at him and dissipate.

So this clearcoating spray does diddly shit, needless to say, I'm not very happy.

Anyhoo...deep breaths.

I miss people! I miss JL and RM, both of them are in BC. I also miss all my lovely LU Shads, to think it's almost been a year since I last saw them all together. I miss just chilling with people, but now that IB exams are done I think I can finally do so without so much worry. yay!

6 Down 4 to Go ... I Need a Break

So I desperately need a break from studying Option B. Reading this much about Option B is giving me crazy ideas of mad drug cocktails to temporarily alleviate this thorn in my side known as IB. Wow...just wow.

On a lovely note, Sunshine just got 30cm of snow in the last 24 hours, if I wasn't writing the god forsaken paper 3 for chem tomorrow, I would definitely be shredding some beautiful pow...oh in an ideal world.

Unfortunately, reality calls, IB has come to dropkick me in the face, gotta go grapple with that bitch.

So Fast, Yet Not Fast Enough

The last three days have been one enormous blur. Had my 18th. It still hasn't really sunk in, I mean when I went out to Bolero with my mom and ordered a margarita, they didn't even ID me :P Unfortunately I was sick , and drinking the alcohol pretty much made me have an asthma attack.

I actually didn't leave the house for 2 days because I was sick. I realized yesterday, that I really hate going to the doctor, because the longer I sit in the waiting room, the more I pretend there is nothing wrong with me and I start to think that whatever I came to the doctor for is stupid. Well, that ended up being an hour wait. Well yay I have strep throat! Oh well they gave me amoxicillin, I'll be done those in about 10 days.

Oh to make things worse, I have to perform tomorrow, my pieces are nowhere near ready, my throat is starting to hurt like a bitch! WOOHOO! Oh and I have to survive IB exams, this should be interesting.

On a lighter note, I think I will discuss the restaurant Bolero. Bolero is a Brazilian style steakhouse where Gaucho's come around with different grilled meats and such on giant swordlike skewers. When you want meat, you flip a little dowel thing up to green to indicate you want meat, flip it back the other way, it means stop, flip it on it's side, dessert time. There is also a hot and cold bar. This restaurant was an interesting experience in that the way they serve food is completely unique. The meat that they served ranged from lamb to fillet mignon and pork tenderloin. Cool place to eat. However their margaritas sucked because they were more liquid than anything else. Overall, nice place, fun eating experience.


Ahh studying IB exams, it's like hammering down a line of really shitty vodka, just keep on downing it, even though you know it's not going to get any better.

Surprise!

Surprised? You bet!

Today started pretty mellow, even though I didn't have to be at school for Grad Video until 10am, I managed to wake up for 8am. Suckkkk, I thought I'd sleep in, even though if I didn't need the sleep, I just love the feeling of being able to lie in bed and just pause for a second and relish the moment. Well Grad Video from 10am-4pm, it felt so weird to be at school on a Saturday. Got a good chunk of sorting through sports clips done :)


Well anyways, after grad video, got picked up by my father to go to my aunt's. When I got there and my Aunt opened the door, there was a giant picture of me with balloons and everything in the foyer. Wow, they planned me a surprise birthday party. First time anyone's planned me a surprise party. It took me a bit to get over the initial shock, which was then replaced by a strange sensation of guilt and discomfort for being put on the spot and having something being all about me. So sweet of AJ to plan this for me because she knew that I have IB exams after my birthday and wouldn't be able to celebrate. She also got everyone to write me a meaningful letter to put in a scrapbook. Really nice dinner, birthday cake, presents, followed by some Wii, yes, AJ bought a Wii haha, good old fun. Happy :)

Committed

So there is one thing that I am 110% committed to, skiing. Soon there will be 2. My tattoo, yes I am getting a tattoo, a small snowflake on my lower hip/groin area. I have been thinking about this for about 2 years. I'm definitely not letting my parents know. Oh yeah, I'm getting it May so I will be 18, looking forwards to it.

Hmmm, movies, lately I've been totally obsessive about movies. Watching American Beauty in English class, quite a fascinating movie, psychology is very interesting. Random movies, just love sitting down and chilling, not really having to think about here and now, or of consequences. Just for maybe an hour or two. Then, back to reality.

Sooo turning 18, a big deal but at the same time, not really a big deal. The whole drinking thing, I'm not really into anymore, waking up with a hangover, just not pleasant or desired. Some part of me wants to hope that 18 means freedom. But seriously, as long as I live under the same roof as my parents and they provide me, it's not true at all.

Oh Herbert Stempel, sometimes I find myself being like you, realizing that I got played for a fool and then proceed to flap my arms around. Other times I am Charles Van Doren, I should be happy with what I have, but no, I have to strive for more, however that too fucks me over. Eh. Quiz Show, excellent movie.

Anyhoo, I am definitely following through with my tattoo. I have narrowed down where I could possibly go to get it, to four shops, thearthouseinc, bushido, esoterik or threshold. I like some of the style of artwork that I am seeing, however, I am questioning the coloring that I want done. Black and white, color, eh, we'll see when I go in for an appointment. Anyhoo DD wants me to go to a GOB concert with her in May, yes I will be legal, punk rock, it should be interesting, now I just need to prevent pwnage from the rents. Well I should go to bed, it's 1:30am, night night.

Finally...again

Finally, I have been given a legit excuse to post on my blog again by the wonderful Mr. JH. The lovely banner is made by JH, thanks :) So I spose not much has changed and at the same time everything has changed since I last posted. Still not knowing if my family is deciding to move to Dallas yet...still wanting to ski...still confused. Yup. Well, RM passed through town today but I didn't get a chance to see him, had a nice chat over the phone though. Maybe mid-may when he has to make a trip back home. Studying for IB exams, studying for my Grade 10 practical, studying for diplomas...great just great :)

Yay for Neighbors

I have noob neighbors, they are rude ass bitches who are trying to get a permit to have their house rezoned to allow all of their contracting equipment to be parked around the block. It is required to have a sign posted on your lawn that you are applying for rezoning so people can put up a fight, well guess what? These noob bitches decide to turn the sign around so other people can't see it. Some other neighbors saw the sign and are trying to oppose this motion, they got yelled at by the people who are applying for rezoning for reading the sign...wow people these days, seriously.

COP closing day was on Sunday, saddening because now I can't just drop by for a quick therapy session on my skis whenever I need, I have to beg my rents to drive me down to Sunshine. I can't believe I missed closing day, it was going to be a blast and I was going to film, but I hurt my knee, DP wasn't feeling it and AL had to work.

Ah, I'm being left for dead, my bro, and rents are leaving for Dallas on Thursday, won't be back until late Monday. Lovely, and they wont let me drive and aren't letting me take city transit so I'm a little fucked for some of my regular activities, eh, fuckit.

Well, I'm off, I have a shitload of random work to do so I guess I should dig in and get it over with.

Peace.

Done with this shit

...just so done.

Chin Up

Wow I haven't done this in a while, I guess I have been too busy grappling with the ugly monster known as life. This last week has been incredibly difficult for me, but chin up, hang in there till spring break. Now that spring break is here I'm slightly relieved. I'm really looking forwards to tomorrow and spending some time with JL, it should be a lot of fun.

So, let's see, Japanese Cheesecake is in the oven right now. I am also contemplating whether to make Cranberry Shortbread Cookies or Cranberry squares, hmmm. Oh about 2 hours ago I had a mind blowing revelation about my brother after he tried to get into a nasty argument with me, I give up on him, I just don't care anymore, if he wont take what my parents are trying to teach him in life, fine, so be it. Sooner or later karma will pwn his ass so hard, maybe he will finally realize. Until then, I have to stand by helplessly and watch him dig himself into a very very deep hole. As harsh as that sounds, that's it.

On a slightly brighter note, my mother is going to buy me a grad dress in the states when my rents go down there for a little vacation. For some strange reason, I'm not as stoked on grad as I should be, I mean I've tried to get myself involved so grad will be epic. I'm just not feeling it. If I weren't vp of grad committee I would seriously be contemplating my attendance at grad, not to mention that I'm dateless. All my buds from the east already have dresses and dates. Ugh maybe I'm just crazy. But that's okay, I should probably try to make the most of it and make some solid memories with those I actually care about at this school.

Oh and hey, I went skiing today, it was a boring sesh mainly because I didn't push myself, played it safe because my knee is really bothering me. I'm really scared that I actually tweaked something serious, eh whatever we'll see what happens.

Wow...just fucking wow

I am in an absolute state of shock, I really didn't think skiing could fail me as well. Yesterday was one of the roughest days I have had skiing, it made me angry and disappointed, almost to the point of tears, but yay for mirrored goggles. Firstly I destroyed myself on the up rail that I got a concussion from. Coming off the rail I popped too early and I totally wrecked my knee on it and proceeded to straddle the rail, good thing I'm not a guy or I would never be having children ever. After that disheartening fall I decided to hit the superpipe, it was going well until I aired out too far and hit the deck and ragdolled into the flats, it wasn't that bad of a fall but when I went inside for a break I noticed that I had cracked the screen of my mp3 player. So after that disgusting fall I decide to go back to rails, I hit this down box, do a broken grind on it, catch an edge halfway and twist my leg up and destroy my knee. At this point I am lying facedown in the snow, thinking I totally blew out my knee and that I'm fucked. With much difficulty I got up and did a few more runs before calling my mother to come pick me up....damn.

So I go home, watch some CSI, mope and watch Ms. Congeniality and Charlie's Angels...until 3am

I want so badly to be resilient and just chin up and keep on going but I really feel like some direction and perhaps some good instruction would be nice so I don't keep on fucking up.

One Can Only Hope...

that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train.

The definition of "epic fail"

I think that the definition of "epic fail" right now is life itself. As soon as everything is peachy and wonderful for maybe two days at most, life decides that being a bitch is more fun. Fuckit I'm so sick of having shit dropped on me and me scrambling like mad to patch up the leaky boat before I sink, or rather, before the next storm comes and threatens to capsize the boat for good. Mother fucking hell, I just don't get it anymore, seriously. Why the fuck am I sticking through this shit because I am so sick of this shit. Complete utter fucking shit. I am so fucking tired of feeling guilty for everything I want, skiing, wanting to spend time with people, not wanting conflict etc. At this point I am so ready to throw my hands up in the air and just let the sky fall on my head. I really thought getting accepted into university and paving the road towards the next step in my life would be a relief but I think the road is just getting destroyed by mad roadside bombers who just don't want me to be happy or give me two seconds where I can feel like, h'okay, shits good, I can take a breath without feeling like I'm going to get shot down any second. All I want to do is go about living life doing what makes me happy without feeling incredibly guilty for it. Is it really that wrong to want to be happy? FUCK. Oh and yesterday I cried for the first time in a couple of months, it sucked like no other. Ugh I don't want to fight this cycle again, it was hard enough the first time. [/rant]

Because I feel like it...a recipe

H'okay, this is not so much a recipe as me attempting to remember something I made for later. I had the overwhelming urge to cook something. But once I realized that there was nothing worthwhile to cook, I said fuckit and found a bunch of yummy stuff and put it together and slapped it on some crackers.

1 mashed avocado
1 chopped green onion
some miracle whip to make the mixture look like a spread
some flaked tuna from a can
crackers


mix everything together and slap it on a cracker. yes it tastes good.

Happy Happy

As much as I hate being asked the question, "are you happy?" For once I can say hell ya! After the stress of having my EE stolen by Fortin and finishing calculus, life is starting to get a nice flow again. Thursday hung out with DW, don't really know what to make of it yet, or to make anything of it at all. Friday was epic, thanks so much JL for coming, I hope you had fun, hope your wrist feels better. I feel terrible I didn't get to ride with you more. If we do this again I will be sure to board with you, it might be just me ragdolling down the hill for a bit though. I would just like to say a big FUCK YOU to the green pipe that I definitely need to slay and redeem myself on, got to the end of it but got excited and slammed my thumb down on it. Superpipe was very interesting, going across the tranny at that speed with my little women's skis chattering, I want some burly stiff mens' ski for this reason. Today, I drove to Sunshine with the rents because they wouldn't let me ride with RG. Sick day at Sunshine with RG, skied so much stuff it was insane, trees were absolutely epic, getting lost was fun, even traversing like a mofo was okay. At the end of the day my legs were completely done, but this kind of exhaustion is nice. Drove to Cgy, picked up lil bro from PB's, sooo tired at this point, but it was all good, driving keeps me awake. Got home, checked Calc mark, did well. Gooood three days.

Breathe Just Breathe

2AM (Breathe) Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.


So now that things are finally calming down again, I feel the need to relearn how to breathe, so much tension it's hurting my neck and shoulders a lot. Next few days I'm going to try to catch up on some sleep and perhaps do some fun things, ski with friends, etc.

Ring Ring

I love the feeling when you feel completely at ease with somebody, pauses, silences, are perfectly natural, laugh cry, be crazy. Love yourself, love each other. Worthwhile, definitely, willing to make sacrifices, without hesitation. Never stop appreciating what you have and hold it close to your heart.

the eye of the storm

I feel like I am in the eye of a storm. Everything for the past week has been super hectic, yesterday I spent the whole day on homework after I took my mother out for lunch, she had fun s'good. Today I had a hella chill day at Nakiska, I was a spare instructor so I got to just float with the advanced students, skied with TD's daughter and MM, did a race course, fun fun. Met some chill guy on the bus, always nice meeting new people at CADS. See you guys until next season! Oh crap, I forgot to get my CAS forms signed :P Jeebus... Well anyways, back to the impending doom of Monday and Wednesday, should be super sketch, grr I need to go to swim practice, stupid school is getting in the way. So tired right now, need to get back to work though. Peace and love.

Smile for all the good times and the good times to come

After a grueling last two days of little or no sleep, coming to school today to hand in my ee, seeing that one person and his smile made everything good again. That smile is a smile that warms the soul. Thanks for that smile.

Today was the last lesson that I taught for the season with CADS. My student's mother finally came to watch him ski for the first time in a few seasons, RH was absolutely ectatic about this, he tried his little heart out tonight. Seeing him and his family so happy was great, it makes teaching worth it. Got a cute thank you card from him and his family. Definitely want to teach RH next season, that little boy is very endearing, from his crazy snowmobile noises to his absolute fascination with all things moving and mechanical. Feels so good to be able to share my passion for skiing with him, and help him develop his love for the sport.

That's all for now, night night.

Happy Birthday Mommy

Birthday monkey because it is the year of the monkey. As there are only a few more hours left of today, I would like to take this opportunity to with my mother a very very happy birthday even though she is already asleep. If she were born tomorrow she would only have a birthday every four years and be technically younger than me, that would be sketch. Because I only remembered her birthday on Monday, being the fucktard that I am, and due to my state of panic and business, I will be taking her to lunch on Saturday. Looking forwards to it.

Extended Essay...wow what a pain in the ass. Eh, whatever, get'er done.

Need some motivation...Gotta Work

Listening to a lot of music lately. Taking a break from EE right now, here is an excerpt of Gotta Work by Amerie.

Sometimes it's gonna be days like this
sometimes it's gonna be rain like this
sometimes you're gonna feel pain like this
sometimes you gotta work hard for it
because when u feeling low
and u cant get no lower
thats when u know your close
sometimes u gotta work hard for it
woke up in the morning
it's another cloudy day
but that never mattered too much to me
cause its still a new beginning
and I know I got it in me
had my share of ups and downs
but now I know I can do anything
some people think im aggressive
cause I know what I want
but that never mattered too much to me
show me some body with no goal
show me some body with no control
cause life is for living
so go and get it
when times get rough remember
ohh gotta get it
hey hey hey
sometimes the road may seem too far
you never really know for sure
if you're ever gonna make it
sometimes the end may seem so far
you never really know for sure
if u got the strength to make it
but u gotta remember
days like this
rain like this
do it cause I love it
feel like this
gotta work hard for it

The Beginning of the End

So things are going hyper speed, it's starting to sink in just how close we are to graduation, yet so far. Listening to this song, just so motivating, here are the lyrics.

Second Coming by Juelz Santana

They say a family that plays together, stays together.
And one that walks apart just falls apart.
So, together we stand, divided we fall.
United, we form Voltron and take on all. Let’s move.
Yes, the birds left the nest.
I’m all grown up I gotta fly with the rest.
Best of the best is what we strive to be. Yeah.
A legacy is what we trying to leave.
Ya dig?
Now say goodbye to the past.
The future is here at last.
The second coming.
The new beginning.
The truth is speaking.
You should listen.
So glorious.
Victorious.
We take what we want we born warriors.
So glorious,
Victorious.
We take what we want we born warriors.
If you fall, get up and try it again.
If you drop, get up and try it again.
If you fall, get up and try it again.
If you drop, get up and try it again.
We tired of being runners up.
We coming up. Yup.
We ready for whatever you put in front of us. Whatever.
Blood, sweat, tears, yeah.
We dripped all three just to get here.
No longer will I wake up and my dreams just vanished.
It’s staring right at me, I must take advantage.
Hard work pays off, you get what you put in.
So why stop now?
Gotta keep pushing. Keep pushing.
We in a fight to the finish,
So why not fight 'til you finished?
Dig it?
I’m my own author, here’s my story.
My life’s been full of pain,
Now where’s my glory?
So glorious.
Victorious.
We take what we want we born warriors.
So glorious.
Victorious.
We take what we want we born warriors.
If you fall, get up and try it again.
If you drop, get up and try it again.
If you fall, get up and try it again.
If you drop, get up and try it again.



Well anyhoo, at this point in time, I can't help but try to hold on to the things that I hold dear, they seem to be slipping away though, maybe I'm holding on too tight, maybe I should just let go. I feel like I'm spread a little thing right now, I have to have my repotoire memorized for JO before I register for my Gr 10 practical, and I have maybe 1 of the 4 pieces down pat, I'm screwed. I have 3 days to finish the rest of my Calculus course, this should hurt quite a bit. 5 days to finish EE. 7 to finish my TOK paper. 7 to prepare for my oral, yes I am the very last person to go because there was nothing left when the sign up sheet came around, frick being busy sometimes gets scary.

Well semi exciting news, I'm going on a cruise to Alaska...yeh I didn't get told until after it was booked. Bad news, it means I don't get to go to summer ski camp. Seeing as how this week is gonna suck majorly I'm going to try to convince my rents to let me sign up for Terrain Park 101 spring camp for 2 days at COP, it's not even that I need instruction, I just want to be able to ride with some people and not ride alone and feel pressure to stomp everything and not fall. I hate riding alone, unless it's trees and pow, park, definitely not. After the head trauma, the last two days I've skied, I've been a complete pussy, not only have I been veering off last second from rails, I'm doing it to jumps now, it's incredibly disappointing for me.

I'd like to just lie there, close my eyes for a second, remember being happy and secure without feeling anxious and paranoid. Gah I'm so conflicted, I want to just let go and move on, as much as I miss him, another part of me, keeps on wanting to carry on with our phone calls, or conversations but its all making it incredibly hard.

The next week will be the week from hell. I'm pretty sure I've had one of these this year already... oh jeebus

Game!

I love this game :D

Pick a Line, any Line...

Yeyuh! First time out to the mountains this year! Even though it was only to Nakiska, and RCR blows gigantic chunks, a bad day skiing is better than a normal day doing anything else, and today wasn't even that bad. Today started off a little sketchy, me being more cautious than normal, just getting back to skiing after being concussed. It was nice when I got into it, glades definitely make things interesting, I had a couple of "oh shit" moments, one of which resulted in me crashing into a tree and getting stuck in knee ish deep pow pow, it made me laugh though. I just wanted to lie in the pow with my shit eating grin for a bit...and I did, I'm glad that not too many people ski through the glades. I'm so happy I didn't touch the park, totally not worth paying 5 bucks to ski a shitty rail park. Worked the glades and some pow pow (got stuck a few times, damn you speed) in the morning, skied groomers in the afternoon, bombing down North Axe switch is so much fun, albeit a little scary the first few times. I love skiing mountains, being a park rat is fun, but taking a breather from that was so nice. I absolutely love skiing glades, so secluded, so peaceful, best part is, nobody is there, no pressure, just me doing my thing at my own pace, savoring the feeling. It's days like these that make all the hard shit that life throws at me worth it.

skiing = <3 forever

Post Valentines Day Post

Wow, it's been a while since I have last posted. So much has happened lately that I am just a tad bit overwhelmed. Let's see, Valentines Day, such a fascinating "holiday", I spent it with the love of my life = skiing. It felt pretty damn good after 1 concussion and 20 days of not skiing. However, I'm still feeling a lot of pressure to throw down in the park, I think mostly from myself. Tomorrow I am going to Nakiska (sorta being forced to go with the church youth group, as you probably know I hate Nakiska but my rents are paying for my lift ticket so I'm not going to complain), skiing something other than park might be interesting, however if there are tons of people I might just go hide in the park and do rails.

So...you know when bad things, happen, people either pretend nothing happened and move on, or they analyze it and talk about it to death? Well #1 is totally happening, and I know when...yes, when, not if, shit gets bad, it'll get pulled up and I'll get slapped in the face with it... gawd I can't wait...

On a lighter note, RM came to visit. It was really nice of him, just spending time with him, slows things down, puts life into perspective and makes me happy. Yes, happy, that elusive emotion. Saying bye sucked, because we didn't know when the next time we'll be seeing each other again will be. I miss you...

Everything appears to be mellow, but upon closer observation, everything is still in the state of disaster that it was in not too long ago. Only difference being, people are getting good at putting up facades to protect themselves from what they don't want to see. I'm going to have to say that I am guilty of this.

Snow...love it or hate it

Snow, so much! I absolutely love it, as much as I suck at making snow angels (believe me I try). It also makes it incredibly sucky to walk/drive. Ahhh now all I need to do is get out to the mountains and ski some pow pow, life would be good. As much stress as snow brings on people, it brings the calm out in me, I could just lie for hours looking up at the snowing sky if it were not for being human and getting hypothermia. Just wanted to post something as I haven't posted in 5 days. Haven't skied in 16 days, it's kind of killing me.

An Excerpt...

"There is a cold sterility about the large warm blanket that envelopes my body. It no longer envelopes my body with the warmth, safety and comfort it once so willingly offered, it now suffocated me, heavy and reeking of the foul stench of despair. I take a sip of the steaming hot chocolate clutched between my frail hands, desperately seeking the sweet reassurance I remember so clearly. I found none. In its place, searing into my tongue was a bitter and heavy sorrow. The aftertaste brought forth a tangle of memories that left me shaking with anger. By now the blanket had consumed me and we had become one entity. There we lay impersonal and limp, draped across the large cushioned chair."

All the World's a Stage...

From Shakespeare's As You Like It, 1600:

JAQUES:
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

For those of us too lazy to read all that,
SPARK NOTES VERSION:
Life is like a play - we merely go through the stages of our life acting it out.

So Sunday, I have to perform at JO's recital. Yet another opportunity to a) make a fool of myself or b) redeem myself. Every time I perform I seem to have memory lapses and forget my lines. This time around I want to prove myself worthy to not only myself but to Jennifer as a student, as this is one of my last performances. For those who don't know, I have completed all 6 theory courses and am looking to complete my grade 10 practical this year. And no I am not competing in the Kiwanis festival this year, wayyy too stressful. This recital there will be another girl performing the same piece as me so it should be interesting. Oh, and this is all if I should be performing, as I have quite the nasty cold right now. Two days, hope I have a voice relatively fit for performing. I have yet to practice the staging for my piece but hopefully everything will go smoothly. I am playing Beatrice from "Much Ado About Nothing", another one of Shakespeare's incredibly brilliant and witty women. I won't give away what I'm going to perform because that would be no fun :P JO always ends up picking the angry, bitter, brilliant, witty or crazed female characters for me to play, she says I do it well. One could say it is because I am angry, bitter and crazed. The excerpt this time that we've chosen I've been struggling with a bit, Beatrice is incredibly witty and brilliant, to add to this she is incredibly vibrant and always is the life of the party. Okay, sure I can be outgoing around people that I've grown to know and everything, but I get crazy stage fright and I struggle to seize people's attention on stage and I know that I lack that charisma that makes a good performance sometimes. Gah JO is really making me work for this one.

Changing topics, yes I am still sick, I have missed the last two days of school. Things are still turbulent to say the least at school. I need to hit the refresh button on life. I haven't been skiing in a week, quite sad actually.

school...you have got to be kidding me

Wow going back to school today was like ripping a band-aid off a booboo. Whatever. Lunch was weird, hanging out...wha?!!! Yes it makes me slightly uncomfortable. Oh and now I have a killer cold since chem, I was fine all day too :( I feel like a mess.

Yay for Random Stealing

Saw this on Mr. Hadi's blog, thought it was pretty neat, gave it a shot.

1) First shot at this, pretty sketchy. I can see this being some sort of hip European band making crazy Latin ballroom music.

2) Even sketchier than 1.

3) I actually quite like this one, I can see this being an album cover for some fruity James Blunt kind of band, yes I dislike James Blunt quite a bit.

It's Been A While

Good song: It's Been Awhile by Staind click for lyrics. I would love to do the whole music player thing but I'm tired and lazy right now. It's been a while since I have posted. This song speaks very true to how I'm feeling right now.

I feel like I'm letting it all slip in between my fingers, I'm either not holding on tight enough or holding on too tight. I'm sick of trying to keep it all together, I kind of want to let it go and allow things to fall where they may, but that's not an option.

I have learned to cope with the solitude. It's no longer so frightening to be alone with myself. I have found it somewhat easier to be with face myself alone, than to face myself with other people watching me. I can't imagine how I'm going to handle going back to school and having to interact with people again.

I ski alone unless it is for instructor clinics and teaching my student. When I'm alone I ski for myself, I feel at ease with who I am, no matter how many times I fall or how dumb I look falling, I can trust myself that I will be able to get back up and try again. I think it is that kind of resilience I need to develop in life so I can cope. When I have all my comfortable baggy outerwear and ski gear on, I feel safe and protected, as much as it seems like I use it to hide from the world, I'm not. When I have all my gear on, I am my own person, I feel comfortable with myself and I can love myself. Even though I may not be the best skier, I love what I do, and form the most part, I do what I love. I'm not going to lie, there were points in time where I did not feel comfortable skiing, where I felt awkward, clumsy, afraid to fall, afraid to be made fun of for falling and not stomping amazing technical tricks, I felt like even then I was being judged. But again, I came to realize I ski for myself.

For the past couple of months, I have been desperately seeking some sort of balance in my life, which meant trying to suppress my passion for skiing and my emotions. As hard as I am trying, I am fighting a losing battle, the harder I push skiing and him away, the more I want to ski and be with him. He means so much to me, I haven't seen him in over 6 months. I can close my eyes and remember like it was yesterday, but it aches so much. Hearing his voice on the phone is so nice, it brings him closer, but yet still so far away. The ambiguity and the waiting is killing me.

Savor the moments that make life worth living.

Yay exam break

So, finally exam break. Not much of a break seeing as how I need to do EE, World Lit, and everything else. Btw, thanks for the like Jason, I will see what I can do bout it. So much hate on me right now, from other ski instructors, the rents. But I'm trying to just back down and let it go, it makes me feel incredibly defeated all the time though. Argh... well anyhoo, better get back to work before I get hated on some more.

I think I can

One word, trust. Trust that I can, trust that others can as well, faith in your friends, in yourself. Spending time with people that matter to you is a relieving thing. I know that I can be inconsiderate and often end up messing things up, I really do care and I really want things to be okay, for people to be happy. I have to stop disappointing myself and those who care about me. I'm not going to fall again because if I do, I probably will not be able to get back up.

1am, talking to JL, putting things into perspective, regaining focus, clarity and balance, my heart aches. Good song: Don't Give Up, You Are Loved by Josh Groban, click for lyrics.

Balacing Precariously Over the Edge of a Steep Cliff

Wow, so much has happened lately that I just don't know how to take it all in, it's taken me a while to work up the nerve to make this post. Also, it's the first post of 2008. I am in a lot of pain (don't worry it's physical pain) so every word I type, I am putting the utmost effort into typing...wait...I'm also in a lot of emotional pain. Where to start...

New Year's Eve at RT's...to be honest I went only for the reason that I thought I would regard myself as pathetic excuse of a human being if I spent New Year's Eve at home. However, having had gone, I regard myself even more as a pathetic excuse of a human being. So much shit went down that night, it has taken me a lot of skiing and thinking to come to terms with it. Although I may never come to terms with the emotions that I felt that night, thinking back now, some of the words I would use to describe that night would be, desperation, regret, confusion, complete and utter fear, and one other one, love. I've been feeling myself slipping and falling for a while, but I hit the bottom of the pit and crashed that night. This is likely the most terrifying experience in recent memory. It felt as though I fell and this time I just couldn't get back up. I can't seem to escape anymore, that scares me even more. The reason why love came up as one of the words I used to describe that night is, it is because that's how my friends pulled me out of the pit. I'm so grateful for everything that they have done for me, as much of an inconsiderate bitch that I may be. When JL held me in his arms, it felt as though I had reached the edge of a very steep cliff, and everything exploded at once, tumbling down the cliff in a confusion of love, fear, and moral responsibility. In that one instance, it both was excruciatingly painful and joyously comforting. Fear of failure and disappointment are heavy burden's on one's soul. And it is thoroughly understandable that life and it's experiences can cause much scarring of the soul, but the greatest people always find a way to trudge on regardless. I do not have that sort of resilience, but I know of those who do, and they will do great things. As much as moving on sounds like an appealing thing, it is definitely easier said than done. Some things are just never worth letting go and I realize that.

Well on a lighter note, skiing, as much physical pain that it causes me, the emotional healing it allows me is much greater. After the sketchy New Year's Eve I went skiing the next day, as painful as it was getting up to go, I knew it would be good for me, so I did. Good day of pipe skiing and a little bit of park skiing. Went skiing today with GS, CM and AF. Lot's of fun, did mostly pipe, taught GS to do pipe and the small ride-on box, it's a beautiful thing watching people learn and progress happily. I'm so happy with skiing, my friends from the states and Tbay are so helpful and give me tons of tips and pointers over email. I can finally consistently boost 2ft of air out of the pipe every hit and land 1s smoothly off every jump on the east side terrain. Oh this morning, second run of the day I messed up my thumb really badly sliding a side on box and now I can't move it, I decided to keep on skiing but without poles because I couldn't hold onto them. I should probably seek some medical attention tomorrow. A bad day skiing is still better than any other day living, and this wasn't even that bad of a day, it was a happy day. Yes, a happy day...

Oh...and Happy New Year