school...you have got to be kidding me

Wow going back to school today was like ripping a band-aid off a booboo. Whatever. Lunch was weird, hanging out...wha?!!! Yes it makes me slightly uncomfortable. Oh and now I have a killer cold since chem, I was fine all day too :( I feel like a mess.

Yay for Random Stealing

Saw this on Mr. Hadi's blog, thought it was pretty neat, gave it a shot.

1) First shot at this, pretty sketchy. I can see this being some sort of hip European band making crazy Latin ballroom music.

2) Even sketchier than 1.

3) I actually quite like this one, I can see this being an album cover for some fruity James Blunt kind of band, yes I dislike James Blunt quite a bit.

It's Been A While

Good song: It's Been Awhile by Staind click for lyrics. I would love to do the whole music player thing but I'm tired and lazy right now. It's been a while since I have posted. This song speaks very true to how I'm feeling right now.

I feel like I'm letting it all slip in between my fingers, I'm either not holding on tight enough or holding on too tight. I'm sick of trying to keep it all together, I kind of want to let it go and allow things to fall where they may, but that's not an option.

I have learned to cope with the solitude. It's no longer so frightening to be alone with myself. I have found it somewhat easier to be with face myself alone, than to face myself with other people watching me. I can't imagine how I'm going to handle going back to school and having to interact with people again.

I ski alone unless it is for instructor clinics and teaching my student. When I'm alone I ski for myself, I feel at ease with who I am, no matter how many times I fall or how dumb I look falling, I can trust myself that I will be able to get back up and try again. I think it is that kind of resilience I need to develop in life so I can cope. When I have all my comfortable baggy outerwear and ski gear on, I feel safe and protected, as much as it seems like I use it to hide from the world, I'm not. When I have all my gear on, I am my own person, I feel comfortable with myself and I can love myself. Even though I may not be the best skier, I love what I do, and form the most part, I do what I love. I'm not going to lie, there were points in time where I did not feel comfortable skiing, where I felt awkward, clumsy, afraid to fall, afraid to be made fun of for falling and not stomping amazing technical tricks, I felt like even then I was being judged. But again, I came to realize I ski for myself.

For the past couple of months, I have been desperately seeking some sort of balance in my life, which meant trying to suppress my passion for skiing and my emotions. As hard as I am trying, I am fighting a losing battle, the harder I push skiing and him away, the more I want to ski and be with him. He means so much to me, I haven't seen him in over 6 months. I can close my eyes and remember like it was yesterday, but it aches so much. Hearing his voice on the phone is so nice, it brings him closer, but yet still so far away. The ambiguity and the waiting is killing me.

Savor the moments that make life worth living.

Yay exam break

So, finally exam break. Not much of a break seeing as how I need to do EE, World Lit, and everything else. Btw, thanks for the like Jason, I will see what I can do bout it. So much hate on me right now, from other ski instructors, the rents. But I'm trying to just back down and let it go, it makes me feel incredibly defeated all the time though. Argh... well anyhoo, better get back to work before I get hated on some more.

I think I can

One word, trust. Trust that I can, trust that others can as well, faith in your friends, in yourself. Spending time with people that matter to you is a relieving thing. I know that I can be inconsiderate and often end up messing things up, I really do care and I really want things to be okay, for people to be happy. I have to stop disappointing myself and those who care about me. I'm not going to fall again because if I do, I probably will not be able to get back up.

1am, talking to JL, putting things into perspective, regaining focus, clarity and balance, my heart aches. Good song: Don't Give Up, You Are Loved by Josh Groban, click for lyrics.

Balacing Precariously Over the Edge of a Steep Cliff

Wow, so much has happened lately that I just don't know how to take it all in, it's taken me a while to work up the nerve to make this post. Also, it's the first post of 2008. I am in a lot of pain (don't worry it's physical pain) so every word I type, I am putting the utmost effort into typing...wait...I'm also in a lot of emotional pain. Where to start...

New Year's Eve at RT's...to be honest I went only for the reason that I thought I would regard myself as pathetic excuse of a human being if I spent New Year's Eve at home. However, having had gone, I regard myself even more as a pathetic excuse of a human being. So much shit went down that night, it has taken me a lot of skiing and thinking to come to terms with it. Although I may never come to terms with the emotions that I felt that night, thinking back now, some of the words I would use to describe that night would be, desperation, regret, confusion, complete and utter fear, and one other one, love. I've been feeling myself slipping and falling for a while, but I hit the bottom of the pit and crashed that night. This is likely the most terrifying experience in recent memory. It felt as though I fell and this time I just couldn't get back up. I can't seem to escape anymore, that scares me even more. The reason why love came up as one of the words I used to describe that night is, it is because that's how my friends pulled me out of the pit. I'm so grateful for everything that they have done for me, as much of an inconsiderate bitch that I may be. When JL held me in his arms, it felt as though I had reached the edge of a very steep cliff, and everything exploded at once, tumbling down the cliff in a confusion of love, fear, and moral responsibility. In that one instance, it both was excruciatingly painful and joyously comforting. Fear of failure and disappointment are heavy burden's on one's soul. And it is thoroughly understandable that life and it's experiences can cause much scarring of the soul, but the greatest people always find a way to trudge on regardless. I do not have that sort of resilience, but I know of those who do, and they will do great things. As much as moving on sounds like an appealing thing, it is definitely easier said than done. Some things are just never worth letting go and I realize that.

Well on a lighter note, skiing, as much physical pain that it causes me, the emotional healing it allows me is much greater. After the sketchy New Year's Eve I went skiing the next day, as painful as it was getting up to go, I knew it would be good for me, so I did. Good day of pipe skiing and a little bit of park skiing. Went skiing today with GS, CM and AF. Lot's of fun, did mostly pipe, taught GS to do pipe and the small ride-on box, it's a beautiful thing watching people learn and progress happily. I'm so happy with skiing, my friends from the states and Tbay are so helpful and give me tons of tips and pointers over email. I can finally consistently boost 2ft of air out of the pipe every hit and land 1s smoothly off every jump on the east side terrain. Oh this morning, second run of the day I messed up my thumb really badly sliding a side on box and now I can't move it, I decided to keep on skiing but without poles because I couldn't hold onto them. I should probably seek some medical attention tomorrow. A bad day skiing is still better than any other day living, and this wasn't even that bad of a day, it was a happy day. Yes, a happy day...

Oh...and Happy New Year