Wow, so much has happened lately that I just don't know how to take it all in, it's taken me a while to work up the nerve to make this post. Also, it's the first post of 2008. I am in a lot of pain (don't worry it's physical pain) so every word I type, I am putting the utmost effort into typing...wait...I'm also in a lot of emotional pain. Where to start...New Year's Eve at RT's...to be honest I went only for the reason that I thought I would regard myself as pathetic excuse of a human being if I spent New Year's Eve at home. However, having had gone, I regard myself even more as a pathetic excuse of a human being. So much shit went down that night, it has taken me a lot of skiing and thinking to come to terms with it. Although I may never come to terms with the emotions that I felt that night, thinking back now, some of the words I would use to describe that night would be, desperation, regret, confusion, complete and utter fear, and one other one, love. I've been feeling myself slipping and falling for a while, but I hit the bottom of the pit and crashed that night. This is likely the most terrifying experience in recent memory. It felt as though I fell and this time I just couldn't get back up. I can't seem to escape anymore, that scares me even more. The reason why love came up as one of the words I used to describe that night is, it is because that's how my friends pulled me out of the pit. I'm so grateful for everything that they have done for me, as much of an inconsiderate bitch that I may be. When JL held me in his arms, it felt as though I had reached the edge of a very steep cliff, and everything exploded at once, tumbling down the cliff in a confusion of love, fear, and moral responsibility. In that one instance, it both was excruciatingly painful and joyously comforting. Fear of failure and disappointment are heavy burden's on one's soul. And it is thoroughly understandable that life and it's experiences can cause much scarring of the soul, but the greatest people always find a way to trudge on regardless. I do not have that sort of resilience, but I know of those who do, and they will do great things. As much as moving on sounds like an appealing thing, it is definitely easier said than done. Some things are just never worth letting go and I realize that.
Well on a lighter note, skiing, as much physical pain that it causes me, the emotional healing it allows me is much greater. After the sketchy New Year's Eve I went skiing the next day, as painful as it was getting up to go, I knew it would be good for me, so I did. Good day of pipe skiing and a little bit of park skiing. Went skiing today with GS, CM and AF. Lot's of fun, did mostly pipe, taught GS to do pipe and the small ride-on box, it's a beautiful thing watching people learn and progress happily. I'm so happy with skiing, my friends from the states and Tbay are so helpful and give me tons of tips and pointers over email. I can finally consistently boost 2ft of air out of the pipe every hit and land 1s smoothly off every jump on the east side terrain. Oh this morning, second run of the day I messed up my thumb really badly sliding a side on box and now I can't move it, I decided to keep on skiing but without poles because I couldn't hold onto them. I should probably seek some medical attention tomorrow. A bad day skiing is still better than any other day living, and this wasn't even that bad of a day, it was a happy day. Yes, a happy day...
Oh...and Happy New Year
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