Good song: It's Been Awhile by Staind click for lyrics. I would love to do the whole music player thing but I'm tired and lazy right now. It's been a while since I have posted. This song speaks very true to how I'm feeling right now.
I feel like I'm letting it all slip in between my fingers, I'm either not holding on tight enough or holding on too tight. I'm sick of trying to keep it all together, I kind of want to let it go and allow things to fall where they may, but that's not an option.
I have learned to cope with the solitude. It's no longer so frightening to be alone with myself. I have found it somewhat easier to be with face myself alone, than to face myself with other people watching me. I can't imagine how I'm going to handle going back to school and having to interact with people again.
I ski alone unless it is for instructor clinics and teaching my student. When I'm alone I ski for myself, I feel at ease with who I am, no matter how many times I fall or how dumb I look falling, I can trust myself that I will be able to get back up and try again. I think it is that kind of resilience I need to develop in life so I can cope. When I have all my comfortable baggy outerwear and ski gear on, I feel safe and protected, as much as it seems like I use it to hide from the world, I'm not. When I have all my gear on, I am my own person, I feel comfortable with myself and I can love myself. Even though I may not be the best skier, I love what I do, and form the most part, I do what I love. I'm not going to lie, there were points in time where I did not feel comfortable skiing, where I felt awkward, clumsy, afraid to fall, afraid to be made fun of for falling and not stomping amazing technical tricks, I felt like even then I was being judged. But again, I came to realize I ski for myself.
For the past couple of months, I have been desperately seeking some sort of balance in my life, which meant trying to suppress my passion for skiing and my emotions. As hard as I am trying, I am fighting a losing battle, the harder I push skiing and him away, the more I want to ski and be with him. He means so much to me, I haven't seen him in over 6 months. I can close my eyes and remember like it was yesterday, but it aches so much. Hearing his voice on the phone is so nice, it brings him closer, but yet still so far away. The ambiguity and the waiting is killing me.
Savor the moments that make life worth living.
I feel like I'm letting it all slip in between my fingers, I'm either not holding on tight enough or holding on too tight. I'm sick of trying to keep it all together, I kind of want to let it go and allow things to fall where they may, but that's not an option.
I have learned to cope with the solitude. It's no longer so frightening to be alone with myself. I have found it somewhat easier to be with face myself alone, than to face myself with other people watching me. I can't imagine how I'm going to handle going back to school and having to interact with people again.
I ski alone unless it is for instructor clinics and teaching my student. When I'm alone I ski for myself, I feel at ease with who I am, no matter how many times I fall or how dumb I look falling, I can trust myself that I will be able to get back up and try again. I think it is that kind of resilience I need to develop in life so I can cope. When I have all my comfortable baggy outerwear and ski gear on, I feel safe and protected, as much as it seems like I use it to hide from the world, I'm not. When I have all my gear on, I am my own person, I feel comfortable with myself and I can love myself. Even though I may not be the best skier, I love what I do, and form the most part, I do what I love. I'm not going to lie, there were points in time where I did not feel comfortable skiing, where I felt awkward, clumsy, afraid to fall, afraid to be made fun of for falling and not stomping amazing technical tricks, I felt like even then I was being judged. But again, I came to realize I ski for myself.
For the past couple of months, I have been desperately seeking some sort of balance in my life, which meant trying to suppress my passion for skiing and my emotions. As hard as I am trying, I am fighting a losing battle, the harder I push skiing and him away, the more I want to ski and be with him. He means so much to me, I haven't seen him in over 6 months. I can close my eyes and remember like it was yesterday, but it aches so much. Hearing his voice on the phone is so nice, it brings him closer, but yet still so far away. The ambiguity and the waiting is killing me.
Savor the moments that make life worth living.
No comments:
Post a Comment